Not Funny.
Talk about awesome weather.
Hail. Gale winds. Blinding rain. Then more car denting hail.
Perfect fun time car weather.
I was in the city with my aunt, uncle, and mom, showing them around when god felt like pulling out the nasty weather. I had loads of fun. The roads were empty. People were running for their lives iPhones, to get away from the rain with no avail. I saw a hetro couple, both in matching wife beaters, flailing around with a broken umbrella, while one was trying to cover up their very wet, nothing else underneath beater with their hands. Guess which one of them it was. The guy?
Manhattan, if you don’t know, is just a long dick shaped shallow basin that collects water and brings misery to any pedestrian, specially to ones who wear Converse and hate having wet socks.
But today, I happened to be a stoopidly dangerous motorist.
When you start booking it and hit 60 mph, a shallow inch deep puddle becomes a fucking tsunami. Yes, getting under a store awning will make you clear the falling rain, but not the horizontal wave of water from the asshole who just drove by ’suspiciously’ making a sharp turn for that puddle. “That fucking asshole did that on purpose.” Yes. Yes he did.
It was worth all the angry yelling I got from my mom and aunt to get yelled at the people, who I can only imagine, were pretty pissed off. A white guy was making his way towards the car during a red stop but the wind blew him back and it luckily turned green. Pedal to the metal…’Look another puddle!”
It was all fun and games until I grew up and got across the Queensboro Bridge. The weather had settled, giving a clear view of the caused casualty. At the other end of the bridge, 3 cars and a truck managed to sandwich itself together around a pillar with a person lying on the ground. The black guy in the driver’s seat of the truck seemed to be alive but stuck as the fire fighters came running with a Jaw of Life.
What a harsh slap in the face back to reality.
-DbL
The Force Has Not Been Good To Him
This is the same reason why the church ripped out pages from the bible about jesus’ pathetic high school years. How’s it going to look when the hero of a cult grew up being such a wuss?
I Like Suprises
Every since Apple added the ‘Volume Limit’ function to their iPods…I guess no one really uses it. No one wants to limit the volume down, but want it to go all the up to 11 and then some. However, I love it. I like setting the volume down to around 90%. I really don’t even put the volume past that or even sometimes set it lower. Why? My Bose headphones rock like two fucking amps on your ears…and the other times I’m playing it through my car, so the higher volumes don’t help much. But more so, the reason I like setting the volume low is because its like finding money. You know when you hide a 20 dollar bill in a book as savings, keeping it for emergencies or just hiding it from your sibiling who you know goes through your shit and takes money, but then a month or some time later, you happen to flip through the book again and find the 20 sitting there. Now who the fuck doesn’t like that feeling? I know I will forget about and someday when my hearing starts to go, I’ll wish it could be louder. (Btw, setting the volume for songs higher on iTunes doesn’t help. Yeah at 50% volume it sounds a lot louder but the higher you go, it becomes static or doesn’t go higher at all…its just a waste.) Then I’ll realize the volume limiter is on and then BOOYAH! I just found 20 dollars.
I Didn’t Know They Have A ‘Crave Crate’…100 Burgers
My homeboy Jay and I decided, while driving by, to go to White Castle and grab a Crave Case…I thought about getting the Crave Crate…but thank god my stoopidity didn’t let in.
It didn’t seem as much in the box…that is until you stack it up like this.
While I was driving home after finishing the monster at Jay’s house…I felt totally fine…that is until 3′ in the morning. My stomach was so fucking gassy it was making weird foreign noises I’ve never heard. The bathroom smelled so bad…like an actual White Castle.
No more fast food.
No more White Castle…EVER.
-DbL
Mankind’s Biggest Conundrums: Constipation
I’m sure everyone has, at least once, sat on the throne trying to take a dump, straining so hard you start feeling a burn along your ass crack and you start to go slightly deaf from the pressure. You know there is a prize about to poop out but for some phantom reason it won’t come out. Basically, you’d rather have diarrhea, the wetter but smoother highway. However, once you get up, regretting you ate that extra slice of pizza because you know in a few minutes you’ll be back here, the cool down starts, pleasure from pain. It feels like your streched burning anus is cooling down…like putting an ice pack on a blister. If it wasn’t so bad for my health and blood pressure, I may always want to be constipated. No pain, no anal cool down.
