My Perfect 10 Car Garage
Despite the fact that I have just gotten my license and don’t official have my own car, I am a petrolhead. I just love cars. I might still not fully understand what the fuck horsepower and torque is nor the workings of an engine (I know all the mechanics and physics of it all by definition and theory but I still don’t fully understand it), but I love them anyways. Come on, no one really understands besides eggheads.
Still, none of those things stop me from dreaming about my perfect 10 car garage. Of course there are more than 10 cars that I wish I could have. If I had my way, I would claim to be Jay Leno’s illegitimate chind and have him ‘terminated’, but if you were to ask me right now, these would be in my garage in no particular order:
1. Dodge Viper
This is my childhood dream car. I had 2 (one yellow and one black) toy cars of the Viper. I wouldn’t mind a new modern one but I wouldn’t even mind an older generation one. If it was an older one, it would even be better, since it would look exactly like the toys I had. I would be able to drive it, instead of toying with it on the floor and up the walls, making stupid car noises, pretending to be Michael Knight. (OK, fuck you. I know he had a Trans Am, its called pretending dickweeds.)
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Car Owners…
If you own a Chevrolet Silverado and the colour of the car isn’t silver (or something similar…I’ll accept grey), I will key your fucking car and kick the fucking bumper off. I will flush the coolant and then fill it with pee. I will crawl under the chassis and puncture the gas tank. Then I will smear poop on the inside of the radiator so that you’ll start the car and 2 miles down the road wonder, “What the fuck is that smell?”
Answer: my poop bitches.
Love Dee
I Am In Love With…
…girls who play the Ukulele.
As I’ve been wandering through the music scene, I’ve noticed a lot more girls who have popped up out of nowhere playing the Ukulele. They are all amazing but seem to share the qualities of being quirky and cute.
Kate Micucci. For you ‘Scrubs’ fans, you might remember her as being Ted’s girlfriend.
And I know what most of you will say, “What the fuck? Serious Dan? Look at her nose.” Read the rest of this entry »
My Beef With Today’s Music, 1
Live Albums: Please stop making anymore live albums. Live albums sound horrible, the audience in the background don’t shut the fuck up ever, and without digital touch ups, the singing is just horrible. Hate to be repetitive since its been said already, but people like Kanye cannot sing. Live albums used to be great. Duke Ellington’s Great Paris Concert & Diz and Getz, what great albums. Recording studio songs are great, but put a musician in his ambience in front of an audience and they sound even better. I’m being a bit prejudice mentioning only jazz musicians, but really, jazz albums are the only great live albums. I’ll concede and mention Metallica’s S&M and almost all of the BBC Live albums they used to do for the likes of Hendrix and Zeppelin, but today, I haven’t heard a decent live album. So stop making them. Along with those fucking concert DVDs….if I wanted to see a shitty band playing on my TV screen, I would have spent a bit more money to go see them. Stop trying to squeeze every fucking penny from your pathetic fans.
Remixes/Mashups: Specifically mainstream ones. I’m fine with those indie, underground (what is ‘underground’ anymore, nowadays?) remixes from the likes of DangerMouse (Grey Album), Girl Talk (Feed the Animals), and Earworm (http://djearworm.com/) but as I accidently turn on the radio while in the car, I hear those horrible mixes/mashups that ruin a perfectly good song. Yes ‘Paper Planes’ is a great song but what the fuck. How many different ways can you cut and paste and shit on that song?
Best Non-Sexual Sensations
Nothing beats the long awaited (or embarrassingly short for you ‘1 minute men’) orgasm from sex or flipping through a few pages of Madonna’s cleverly titled book “Sex”. There is no better sensation.
Or is there?
Besides being illegal, no one wants to see you in public whip out your dick and start fiddling your peeper to feel better just because you’re feeling a bit down in the pits. So, there must be other non-sexual ways to get off without actually getting off.
After hours of thinking and consulting with a few acquaintances, I have come up with the best non-sexual sensations.
I gave myself some criterias.
1. Nothing sexual. This is too obvious. I could just go on and list every position in the Kama Sutra.
2. Publicly acceptable. Nothing you wouldn’t want your dear mother witnessing.
3. Only physical things. None of that mushy self-satisfying moral crap. I don’t give a shit that you’re harvesting a semi just because you spent your Thanksgiving down at the homeless shelter.
4. No masochistic activities. Now I know we all have different standards and some people think pain is pleasure but let’s be normal.
So here we go:
- Piss Shiver aka. Post-miturition convulsion syndrome. Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Nyc Buildings Department:
I am the one keying your fucking white Prius’, you cunt faced fuckers. You are ruining my life therefore I will take the only anonymous action I can. You smug bitches who don’t want to spend a bit more and get a decent fucking car. Did you know that the Prius doesn’t make up for the fact you still have two Hummers in your garage? Of course you don’t care just only want to score that government tax credit and the other incentives that come with it. Fuck you.
Love Dee.
