Please Send Food
I’m stuck up on this mountain top with a shifty internet connection from my phone and been living off SPAM, beef jerky, and marshmellows for the past 24 hours. I need some nutrients. And maybe some Pepto. The junk isn’t coming out right down south.
*** 21/m/nYc. bOrEd. Looking 4 a Friend to befriend losers on Craigslist. ***
Lately I am so bored that I’ve resorted to going on Craigslist and looking through the Personals section. I don’t commend finding “love” through the interweb cause I think its, plain and simply, pathetic. But I leave that group alone. I like to hate on those in the “strictly platonic” group.
How low must you get to make “strictly platonic” relationships online?
Of course, I don’t read through all of them. That’s a waste of my time. I only like to click on the ones with pictures. 70% they’re pictures of crap found on Google through random picture search, but the other 30% of the time, I hit jackpot with a ridiculously hideous picture of an unexpectedly greasy faced, fat, black/mexican, really fat, really blurry loser.
So my experiment is: TO BEFRIEND ONE OF THEM.
Now I only ask someone to help me in this escapade because I feel this one would put at risk my own life.
I don’t want to email one of them and ask them to meet me here and there and just stand them up. That’s just cruel.
In the spirit of the belated holidays, I would like to actually pick the most pathetic looking one and actually befriend them for a day.
Who knows, it may be fun.
Or we could end up meeting a psycho in a Santa suit who puts one through our chest and one through our head, burned to a crisp. KFC Original style.
Either way, a time killer.
So anyone who’s up for an adventure, a-ring ring.
-DbL
Dear Incompetant House Owners
Thank you.
Thanks to you, I’m able to sit on my lawn chair and just watch people slip and fall on your iced side walks that you didn’t even bother to salt or shovel.
I love it much so when its the old people who fall. They do try not to fall by creeping across the ice but as nature intended, no success. I did have to get up once to help some old guy who I thought died when he fell, but asides from that incident, what a lol-er watching old people fall.
Even better is watching those cocky ghetto kids who do their cocky stride walk, who think they’re impervious because they have their Timberland boots on, but oh on.
CRACK. What is that? Is that your pride that just shattered as I’m laughing at you along with the ice under you?
Why yes it is.
-DbL
Dear Environmentalists
Today’s weather reached about 10 degree Fahrenheit. Way below freezing.
Hey Environmentalists and Al Gore Fan Club Members…
WHERES YOUR FUCKING GLOBAL WARMING NOW HUH?
KISS MY SNOWBOARDING-WINTER LOVING-GLOBAL WARMING SKEPTICAL ASS, BITCHES.
I threw myself a Mardi Gras style ticker tape parade for the occasion. Now how many trees were cut for my one man celebration?
Try and stop me you tree hugging bitches.
-DbL
Zinggg
One lesbian friend of mine told me that she’s heard about all these battered women in America, but she’s never tasted one.
Oh Blu-Ray, Why Have You Forsaken Me
I managed to get a five-finger discount at Virgin Megastore and got Wanted on Blu-Ray. (btw: God Bless Blu-Ray. It gave me such a hard on the first time I popped in that Planet Earth BR-DVD and saw a lion mauling a gazelle in HIGH DEFINITION) Bought a burrito and went home to watch it. But high definition is a double edged sword.
I didn’t care much for James McAvoy, the twin sister of Shia LaBeouf, those carbon copy Hollywood manufactured weepy weakly looking bitches. For god’s sake, they even look alike when they’re all “angry” and all sweaty like because in real life, they were just misted with a $10 bottle of Evian while the stunt guy did all the work. (“Uhh…you missed a spot on my pits”)
So I waited anxiously for Jolie’s scenes. She did come on, raccoon mascara and all hotness. However, there was one thing on my mind all the way to the end of the movie.
“Oh my god. My fears came true.”
5 Greatest TV Losers…
…who deserve my sympathy, simply because, they aren’t real people and luckily my “good deeds” will all bounce right back like my downstairs incompetent tenant’s checks.
(every show is fair game, so cartoons, reality, drama, blah blah blah, you get it…)
Starting with…
Making Masterbating To Your Friends Easier
Do your parents check your internet logs?
Porn sites firewalled?
In a public internet cafe? Possibly the school computer lab?
Well there is a site to fix all your problems.
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